What's So Wrong, WordSleuth?

Not only did USbank make the mistake of running this ad once, they had all three in continuous rotation for several months. Couldn't USbank see how weak the result was after they ran the first ad? Let alone before at the requisite proofreading and editing sessions?

That's the problem with handing over the responsibility of developing effective advertising to management types. Which is what I suspect has happened here. The issue is management's only concern is saving money, has been since the dawn of Man, and they perform this task quite well. Unfortunately, it's usually to the exclusion and detriment of any other concern.

In the planning sessions for this ad, if indeed there were any, I'll wager a fly on the wall heard something like this: Art person - "Yeah, let's slap some neat 1940s-era clip art in there. Yeah, that's the ticket, that'll look real cool." Management type - "Wow, Art! That's such a great idea I'll bet the copy writes itself." Art person (to self) - "Yeah, who cares? All I want to do is pad my portfolio."

Think I exaggerate? If you ever get the chance, please listen in on an advertising planning session. I speak from nearly three decades' experience.

What USbank's people miss here is there's little chance their customers care anything about image advertising, from any era. They care about what a bank can do for their finances. Golly, what a novel concept! USbank should write benefits-based copy aimed at identified potential customers with specifc solutions to their unique financial problems. Note to USbank: Rewrite these ads with the last sentence glued to your monitor.

The prospect attention span clock is ticking. See if you think this ad accomplishes the task of convincing people with financial problems to do business with USbank.

(Headline) "Dr. Common Sense says...

Who the hell is Dr. Common Sense? And convince me I should care what he has to say, especially when we're talking about my money.

Headlines must influence the reader to continue reading. USbank's headline directs customers to dawdle at the graphics, making them uncertain of where to go next. Maybe the art director had a hand in this. Maybe he knew that pausing customers to ooh and aah over the "cool graphics" would make him look better. Maybe it did. What it didn't do was pull the reader into the body copy. Which is the only reason any headline exists.

And while we're on the subject, a headline should also trumpet benefits. Benefits that push a prospect eagerly into the body copy.

 (Round hotbox) "Watch out! An upturned rake is trouble." Or: "Careful! Never press your tongue to a frozen flag pole." Or: "Be wise. Always walk —  never run — when carrying a scissors."

Okay, now we know Dr. Common Sense is some Forties-era cartoon character informing us of dangers the average seven-year-old knows to avoid. Boy, aren't we glad we took time to read this ad?

Prospect is probably thinking: "It seems USbank thinks I'm so lame I'd stick my tongue to a frozen pole. Geez, then who knows what they'll do with my money once they get their hands on it."

Not quite the impression USbank wanted potential investors to have, is it? And unfortunately, we'll find this suspicion is well-justified.

(Reversed hotbox) "And when it comes to saving money... open a U.S. Bank indexed money market account!"

I'm not always against reversing type. But when it serves a phrase so utterly lacking in benefits, it's a bad move. Remember, it's not what you want. It's figuring out what your customer wants, then delivering it. Reversed type attracts eyeballs initially, but ultimately is harder to read. Customers usually avoid this unless you give them a reason. If you want to throw reverse type at them, you'd better dangle something sweet within it. Fail this and their focus scoots to more easily read copy. Or they abandon your ad entirely.

Taken at face value, the segue from the insulting round hotbox, to the benefits-lacking reversed hotbox might lead a customer to assume this: "If USbank thinks I'm so dumb as to believe this stupid copy, I'll bet their money market account is a similarly bad move."

Egads! It's almost as if USbank's fiercest competitor wrote this ad.

(Body copy) "Our INDEXED MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT makes very good sense, indeed. You always get a very good rate because it's indexed to the 13-week T-bill. You can get to your money anytime — 24 hours a day —  by check, phone or ATM. And your money is safe because it's FDIC insured up to $100,000. For more information, stop by or call 1-800-771-BANK."

Why is INDEXED MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT capped, bolded and underlined? This almost appears to be a link to a web site. Which would be hard to pull off since all three examples are newspaper ads.

Now USbank's people would have us believe their money market account is worth this triple bang treatment. I don't think so. The trick to highlighting anything is to apply it only to copy that illuminates specific customer benefits. Highlight meaningless copy and you emphasize nothing.

The first sentence says: "Our INDEXED MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT makes very good sense, indeed."

How do I know it makes very good sense? And why haven't you explained to me why and how it does?

The second sentence boasts of "...a very good rate because it's indexed to the 13-week T-bill." Ah! So this might be how USbank's money market account "...makes very good sense, indeed."

Mark the attention span clock, tick-tock, tick-tock, as the first faint whiff of benefits finally wafts under the prospect's nose. Sadly, it's probably too late.

From experience, I'd wager fully half of USbank's intended customers don't know that T-bill is short for treasury bill. Further, I'd bet you my Mother’s farm a solid 90% of USbank's customers don't understand how tying a money market account to the 13-week T-bill affects their investment.

Hello, USbank. Explain this and you're halfway to landing scads of new customers.

USbank's ad violates a cardinal rule of copywriting: Don't assume the knowledge base of your intended customer. Either do the research and find out exactly who your customer is and what they know, or make copy simple enough that anyone can understand it. And don't forget the benefits. USbank elected to hide behind industry speak when they were supposed to be talking to their customers about benefits. They might as well been talking to them in a dead language about mathematical equations.

"You can get to your money anytime — 24 hours a day —  by check, phone or ATM."

At long last, real benefits. The relative liquidity and availability of one's money would've been a good stepping off point for headlines and copy above.

"And your money is safe because it's FDIC insured up to $100,000. For more information, stop by or call  1-800-771-BANK."

Again, sweet, sweet benefits. Hiding the most tangible reasons for using USbank's indexed money market account until the last two sentences is just plain dumb. And how many people know what the acronym FDIC means? Fifty percent? Probably less. FDIC could mean USbank has Finally Done In Comprehension.

"...Stop by..." Huh? Without any address the only place a potential customer will stop by is the office of USbank's closet competitor. What's that? They can look in the phonebook? Spending money on newspaper ads and then asking customers to look in the phonebook to find your nearest office is monumentally stupid. Guess who else is in the phonebook? That's right, all the other financial institutions USbank battles with for market share.

On a positive note, the 800 number is smart. An 800 number makes it convenient for customers to call and have someone explain how to find the nearest USbank office. Sheesh.

But wait, if you're going to get slick and use acronyms for numbers, you should also bracket the actual numbers. Many surveys show not doing so irritates customers. No one likes to look back and forth from the letters to the corresponding numbers on their phone.

(White hotbox) "4.00% * APY $5,000 min. balance"

No one likes asterisks except lawyers. And the asterisk after the 4.00 % does the usual legalese hatchet job on credibility. In unreadable four point type this text mentions the hoops a customer must jump through to secure this paltry return. The lilliputian text goes on to describe how USbank's fees will necessarily impact even that low return. As well as USbank reserving the right to change, at any time, what they'll pay in interest. Hiding this important information in unreadable type is a detestable hallmark of too many financial services companies. This tact might explain why banks don't give away magnifying glass premiums any more.

USbank's advertising people seem to equate general safety with saving money. Not a bad idea, really. But a 4% return in a time of easy 10% stock market returns is a comparison aimed at idiots. Gain safety by sacrificing nearly 400% less return on my money? Surely they have more to offer than this. How do you convince customers to take such big a broadside to profit for safety? USbank doesn't give this key consideration a second thought.

The tiny type also reveals even this so-called safe yield isn't guaranteed. In fact, fees and market changes will affect this investment just as it affects any other. The only remaining benefit USbank offers is accessibility. Which, it's important to note, can be had via other investment vehicles yielding better returns.

Now I've torn into USbank's ad pretty good. And some have emailed me asking why I'm not nicer in my appraisal of their ad. Well, let me tell you why. First, I despise ineffective advertising. This disease is perpetuated by heartless thieves, most of whom lurk at ad agencies. Second, I'm not running a charity. Still, I was kind enough to explain in great detail most of what USbank did wrong. If they want the whole enchilada, they can pay me just like my own very happy clients do. Or someone else who sports my considerable skill set. Third, if USbank can't see most of what they need to change after reading this, they deserve to be torpedoed for their pointless, moronic advertising.

Think I'm being too hard on USbank? Take a look how hard they are on their own customers...

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